I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
