I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You dont lie about slip and slides
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.