Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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