can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize
