I think I won the penis lottery.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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