I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
