what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
