if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
