we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
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