You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
