My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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