just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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