My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
