why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
