I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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