just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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