so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
