farters have to be the big spoon...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
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Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
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Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT