Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
