My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
