Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
