I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
