chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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