They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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