dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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