he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
