I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
