My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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