Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
