it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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