non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Who died my cat blue again?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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