i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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