"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Randomize
