I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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