I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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