i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
