I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
