I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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