oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
