And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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