Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
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good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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