whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
