I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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