it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
