so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
