Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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