And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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