Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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