Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He keeps bees of course he's weird
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
