Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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