tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
