why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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