dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
