Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
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I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
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Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"