there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Dignity is for republicans.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.