shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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